|“||Anything else he's got two of?||”|
— Jackie Tyler
Were you looking for gay porn?
While male human beings have rambunctious cocks, male Time Lords have what is known as a Timedick.
Unlike our wimpy human dicks, timedicks exist outside of just three dimensions. In fact, though some timedicks may appear smaller on average than normal human dicks, they extend in seven to nine other dimensions outside our own, five to seven of which timevaginas can feel at any one time. Some timedicks have even been known to cross into the 11th Dimension and never be seen again.
Because of their ability to stretch across dimensions and time, it is possible for any one Time Lord to procreate with several Time Ladies using just one timedick. Time Lords used to have laws against such things, but their laws are now mine, and they will obey me!
- 1: Wrinkly old man dick. If you've ever been at a gym or sauna and seen something you shouldn't, or ever saw your grandpa getting out of the shower, you've seen 1's dick.
- 2: Stubby but thick. I think they call that a cheswick, and I picture it being uncut.
- 3: Ask your grandma.
- 4: Enormously long and floppy. You can check it out in the absolutely canon Canterbury Tales movie.
- 5: One of those porno dicks, you know the types. Big vein on top, very clean and well proportioned. The dick most guys think they're supposed to have and get bummed that it's not right.
- 6: A 70s porno dick.
- 7: It barely pokes out from his pubic bush. Not because it's short, but because it's so unkempt.
- 8: Emo porno dick.
- War: It hasn't gotten hard since Karn. Never should have trusted the Sisterhood.
- 9: Picture someone dragging an old, beaten and battered wooden club along the ground as they walk.
- 10: Small, but he shaves to make it look bigger. Very self-conscious, one of those guys who gets jealous of dicks like 5's.
- 11: Lengthy, but with a hard left bend in it. I just had to look up whether Matt Smith was left or right handed, /who/, you better appreciate the level of research I put into this. His balls grew jinormous since the day Matt Smith was stung there by a wasp while mid-thrust fucking someone outside. PROOF
- 12: 24 inches long and completely prehensile.
- 13: GONE. GONE FOREVER. INVERTED INTO A TIME PUSSY.
- Valeyard: FUCK IT RIGHT IN THE PUSSY!! ...Actually, he has a pretty nice looking penis, like a Bond meets a porn star penis, a better-looking penis than most of his prior incarnations. Long and thin, good for boning, only has a a bend to the right. Just looks kind of old and used, and that's because it is. The Ainley Master's jealous of it.
- Dr. Who: Non-canon.
Of course, the Master also has a Timedick:
- Delgado: Cut, clean, perfectly proportioned, flawlessly managed hair.
- Zombie: Have you ever overcooked a hot dog in the microwave? Have you ever accidentally smushed a banana? Have you ever seen a tree that's been struck by lightning?
- Ainley: As stubby and smug looking as its owner. Like a short bald man in a heavy tan coat. Sadly, it imploded when Peri crushed it with her knee in Planet of Fire.
- Tipple: Cut short, like his career.
- Roberts: Long, thin, and with creepy blue veins all over it. Pronounced circumcision scar.
- MacQueen: Nobody knows, however if his baldness is anything to go by...
- Jacobi: A shower, not a grower. Wrinkly balls dangling down to the knee. Twitches in time with the drums, the drums, the never-ending drums.
- Simm: Exactly the same as 10's except slightly longer.
- Gomez: Heavy, brown beef curtains, with wild unkempt hair that's nevertheless been carefully shaven into an arrow pointing at her Timeclit.
Other Time Lords Timedicks are to be considered too:
- Rassilon (Richard Matthews): Dead, but envied by Borusa.
- Rassilon (Timothy Dalton): Y'know how Dalton spat everywhere? It's not just his mouth that does that.
- Rassilon (Donald Sumpter): Like 1's.
- Omega: Nothing left of it. The corrosion has already done its work.
- Borusa: Concrete (or does it even exist anymore? It is only his face in the slab, after all.)
- Andred: Probably 15 inches deep inside Leela. This will never happen to you.
- Drax: The Doctor once assured him that "Small is lovely". Make of that what you will.
- The War Chief: He shapes his pubes in the same pattern of his facial hair.
- The Meddling Monk: Like him, plump and jolly-looking.
- The Corsair: It was the reason why his arm was so buff. Also, note his tattoo; a snake eating itself.
- Straxus: Milked for Morbius' resurrection. He wears a cock ring on it at all times.
- Morbius: I don't see anything phallic there, but Solon must've given him Condo's arm for a reason.
Timedicks are vulnerable to any number of venereal diseases, including: Earth STDs like timegonorrhea and HIV (aka. timeAIDS), timeticks, timecrabs, timechlamydia, shutting the TARDIS door on your timedick, bleeding, impotence, rejection, and self-recursion (in which the timedick inserts into itself infinitely until it disappears. The Master's timedick continually did this, so he turned into a lady).
- The Master summoned Kronos with his timetits.
- The most popular iteration to date has been The Capaldick.