The War Games

The War Games
The War Games.jpg
Season: 6
Episode: 7
Vital statistics
Air date 19 April - 21 June 1969
Written by Terrance Dicks and Malcolm Hulke
Directed by David Maloney
Episode guide
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The War Games is a ten part documentary about World War 1 narrated by Ken Burns. Shortly into filming of the first segment, however, the Second Doctor and his posse of stone cold niggas landed and started wrecking shit up. As punishment for his terrible crimes, the Doctor was shockingly executed by the herbal cooking company sponsoring the documentary, the Thyme Lords, ushering in the era of the John Peel Doctor. Hey, that's, like, almost the same name, man.


Right, so get this shit, some guy called the Doctor shows up in the middle of World War One with a ranting scotsman sorry, a ranting scotsman and some cute little piece of future moe. They all get in an ambulance (which, you will be reminded, they have in wars) driving through No Man's Land and arrive at the front lines where General Stephen Fry is overseeing the english operations. Sensing innately that they're going to cause wacky shenanigans, the general orders the three of them executed for being spies (and, in Jamie's case, for deserting from the Highland Regiments, which is actually pretty funny).

Jamie gets thrown in prison and meets a guy dressed like a pirate, only to discover it is in fact another soldier from the English Civil War, a period of history vastly overshadowed in popular culture by a later Civil War, this one fought between Marvel Superheroes. The two of them conspire to escape from certain doom by having gay prison sex until they can convince the guards they're having a lover's spat that might be disruptive to prison operations.

"Don't worry, Pat - it may be your last story, but at least it will still exist 10 years from now!"

Meanwhile, the Doctor escapes from the most common cliffhanger in the classic series, of being lead to a firing squad. How isn't really important, just remember that he was going to be executed but escaped, because that'll be important later. Fuck if I remember where Zoe was during all this.

The Doctor, forced to get his companions out of prison, steps right up and does the shit that the Psychic Paper would later be invented to obviate, by literally walking into the prison and shouting that he's an extremely important person there to inspect the place. This almost works.

The Doctor, Zoe, Jamie, and a couple local kids escape in the ambulance, trying to get out of this place before they're killed by the english or the germans. Instead, they drive through the cloud of smoke pouring out of the writer's room and come out the other side facing a roman century. Horrified at the prospect of meeting Rory Betamax, the Doctor and friends escape back through what is hilariously identified as a "force field" and are captured by the Germans, probably, or maybe the Rebel Alliance. Look, this story's ten episodes long and they spend at least seven of them going from capture to capture, like Classic Who liked to do.


At some point, it becomes clear that the shit going on here is out of control, that aliens called the War Lords (do you get it) are organizing a huge series of Malcom Hulke's and Terrance Dicks's The War Games©: The Desolation of Smaug© in I-MAXTM 3D© (jesus christ, Jackson, really?) to test and train an army with which they presumably mean to conquer the Galaxy. And moreover, they have a Time Lord on their side, the first appearance of the Mattress, who is using her powers of transgender hypnosis to make soldiers believe they're still on earth, fighting in a war, when actually they're being molested nightly by aliens.

The War Lords capture the Doctor, he escapes, they capture him again, it goes on like that. Eventually, the Doctor, Jamie, Zoe, and the most accurate depiction any television series has ever mustered of a Mexican all team up with soldiers from every war before WW2 to take on the War Lords. An epic off-screen battle takes place that fucks up the Games and ends with the War Lord himself, Steve Jobs, getting captured alongside the Mattress. And with that, the day is saved, and the Doctor can leave, confident in a job well--


There's still the matter of thousands of soldiers from all across earthly history being trapped on an alien world with no way back. The Doctor's TARDIS can't get them back because the first two Doctors were retards who couldn't pilot their way out of a wet paper bag. The War Lords can't get them back because the Mattress is a scam artist who built fake TARDISes for them that are only good until the moment they're needed for something other than capture and escape sequences. Santa Clause can't get them back because it's not Christmas Day at the north pole. Instead, there's only one solution: Call the space cops.

The Doctor sits criss-cross applesauce and builds an Obscure Reference Box out of cards he just happened to be carrying on him. In it, he puts all his hopes and dreams and terrible, terrible fetishes, and it travels to Gallifrey to alert the Time Lords. Rather than face swift and terrible broom-fucking at the hands of her people, the Mattress flees only to be shot in the back so she can regenerate offscreen. And, knowing what's coming, the Doctor attempts yet again to flee the authorities and evade justice for his many heinous crimes.

He doesn't get away.

However, they gave him choices for what face he'll wear in exile, which is nice, but in order to stall his regeneration, he rejects each and every one:

"No, he's too old!"

"Well he's too fat, isn't he?"

"No, he's too thin!"

"That one's too young!"

"No, he's too tall!" (deleted line)

"Oh, that won't do at all!"

"This is ridiculous!"

So they force him to become Doctor SPLINK!