Season 3

Season 3 (Series -23)
"I still have to do more of this shit?"
"I still have to do more of this shit?"
About Time
Began 11 September 1965
Ended 16 July 1966
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Season 3 (unfortunately) continued the legacy of the worst TV show to exist, Docktah Hoo. It featured Billy Hartnell reprising his role as everyone's favourite racist grandpa, as well as Vicki and Steven continuing on from Season 2 (and leaving in this season... whoops, spoilers!); not to mention a bunch of other forgettable sidekicks.

This season also saw a big change in showruiner - twice! Verity Lambert could no longer cope with Hartnell wandering off mid-shot and thinking he was back on The Army Game again, so she bailed out at Mission to the Unknown. Her successor, John Wiles, abandoned the show only a couple stories later with The Ark, as good old Billy wanted to deck his fookin' head in for writing out based Vicki. The third showruiner was Innes Lloyd, who stayed on until the end of the Season and into Season 4.

Serials of Season 3

Episode Title Written by Description
Galaxy 4 William Emms So Le Docteur, Vicki and Steven arrive on a dying planet where two groups of aliens have crashed landed and are blaming each other for shooting them down. Which ones are innocent? Duh, of course it's the ones who look the ugliest.
Mission to the Unknown Terry Nation Some fuckers are trying to escape a Dalek occupied planet called Kembel before the viagra varga kicks in. Btw the main cast don't turn up.
The Myth Makers Donald Cotton The Doctor, Steven and Vicki get caught up in that giant horse story from the Trojian war. It's the one where Vicki leaves because she needs a man to enslave her bitchpussy, leaving the Doctor and Steven with the prostitute Katarina.
The Daleks' Master Plan Terry Nation & Dennis Spooner The RETARDIS arrives on the planet seen in It's Missing, location unknown where Guardian of the Solar System Mavic Chen, a white dude made to look asian, is teaming up with the Daleks to create a device known as the Time Destructor, which will... erm... Destroy time. The Doctor steals a vital component and this results in a wild goose chase around the universe involving the Meddling Monk, two companion deaths and a shite Christmas Special, the first of many.
The Massacre John Lucarotti & Donald Tosh The Doctor's dementia kicks in and he wonders off into France near the time of the Massacre of St. Bartholomew's Eve, and there's some prick who looks exactly like him who never really does anything of consequence in the plot. Steven gets pissed with the Doctor because he had to leave behind a hoe who he had paid extra for but only got the chance to put the tip in.
The Ark Paul Erickson & Lesley Scott A daft bitch causes vulnerable future humans on a spaceship to get AIDS a cold and die, and the Cocktah has to find a cure. Then in a near impossible stroke of luck, the TARDIS arrives on the exact same ship 700 years later when the humans' alien pals have taken over.
The Celestial Toymaker Brian Hayles Tedium, racism, and the urge for Steven to just FUCKING PUSH DODO ONTO THAT ELECTRIC FLOOR AND BE FREE OF THE IRRITATING DUNCE.
The Gunfighters Donald Cotton Tedium, bad American accents, and the urge for Doc Holiday to just FUCKING SHOOT DODO IN THE HEAD AND MURDER THE IRRITATING DUNCE.
The Savages Ian Stewart Black There are these nasty upper-class people on a planet somewhere who drink the life juice of the remaining savage population in order to maintain their society, and the Doctor tries to stop this but ends up getting life-drained too. Steven leaves because seriously, fuck Dodo.
The War Machines Ian Stewart Black A super computer residing inside the London Post Office Tower tries to enslave the world to create giant machines of destruction. To prove it means business, it even breaks the canon of the show and refers to the Doctor as "DOCTOR WHO".


Season 3 seems to be a lot more meandering than both Seasons 1 & 2. While yes there are a couple of GOAT stories here, some of them feel a lot more simplistic and far less developed than the stories that graced the first two seasons. It doesn't help that companions just seemed to come and go every three seconds, resulting in the season having a total of seven of them by the end (few of whom you actually got to know as people), unlike Season 1 where they stuck with just three companions for the duration and focused on developing them.

Anyway, the season kicks off with Galaxy 4, and it's alright. Nothing mind-blowing, just a rather simplistic tale of "don't judge by appearances you racist fucker", which is a moral Hartnell probably wouldn't have agreed with. It's also a feminazi's wet dream, as the villains of the story are from a society that is predominantly female and only keeps as many men as is necessary. Anyways, I get a kick out of it. I dunno, maybe it's because Vicki and Steven were an awesome TARDIS team that got such little screen time together and I'm left trying to find enjoyment out of what we actually got with them; perhaps that's why I like this more than I probably should. 6/10

Verity Lambert's tenure as showruiner ends with Mission to the Unknown, a weird standalone divergent showcasing a couple space people trying to escape from a planet occupied by the Daleks. Unusually, there's no doddery fucker landing in a police box "hmm"ing everywhere and gripping his lapels - the only protagonists are three space guys we've never met before. Meh, it's only really here to set up a future story and it's not really that memorable to be honest. It introduces the Varga plants, who would later return for Big Finish and also in the Adventure Games with a totally different redesign like every villain in the Moffat era, but yeah. Nothing special. 5/10

Beginning the Wiles quadrilogy is The Myth Makers, a pure historical in the style of The Romans in that it's played for the lulz... Not that Hartnell found it all that funny really, as his aunt died during the production and he was prevented from attending her funeral; not to mention Verity had left and Maureen O'Brien was also on her way out, therefore making Hartnell more and more isolated in this job where the people he actually liked were dropping out and cunts who had no idea what the fuck they were doing were being filed in their places... Geez, this story is actually really depressing once you think about it... Anyway, Vicki leaves the same way Susan did; in the Disney princess-styled fashion of falling in love with some dude she's just met within the past couple of days... Heheh... 6/10

We then transition into one of the GOATEST stories in Doctor Who canon, The Daleks' Master Plan. Holy crap, this story is bleak. Like, you literally go from the humorous upbeat luvey-duvey Myth Makers that probably wouldn't have looked too out of place in the cheesy framework of Season 24, to this story that would make the emo fangirls who bawled their eyes out at "I don't wanna go" slit their wrists from the edginess. This story showcased the Daleks at their most terrifying - NuWhovians who mock the Classic Daleks by saying "They couldn't even go upstairs in the Classic Series!" would be forced to eat shit when they discover that the Daleks wouldn't even need to do that; the flame-throwers they have here would be sufficient to burn the building down instead (well, unless the building is made of concrete... ah who gives a shit, they're badass here, 'aight?!). We also get Kevin Stoney playing Magic Mavic Chen, one of the GOATEST villains in the franchises' history, who was so awesome that they bought the actor back to play another villain in Troughton's run three years later. On top of that, based Peter Butterworth returns as the Meddling Monk, two companions die, and the story sports one of the eeriest music scores that would make The Time of Angels soundtrack sound like the Teletubbies theme tune. Do you need anymore reason to "watch" it? DO IT. 10/10

The Massacre follows on from Master Plan and is the last "great" story of the Hartnell era. While I didn't understand for a second why the Doctor wandered off for episodes 2 & 3, it gave Steven a chance to show off what a great character he is and how well he could handle the story by himself. That argument at the end... holy crap, I get chills. Shame it can't be watched. It really should've been Steven's final story and the Doctor should've just travelled alone until Ben and Polly turned up... Unfortunately, Steven returns to the TARDIS and unwinds any and all character development he gained during the adventure, and he's joined by what is possibly the worst companion in the classic series shows' history whole canon entire franchise, Dodo. I cannot possibly convey in words how much I hate this bitch... but I'll try doing so in a few paragraphs time. 8/10

The finale of the Wiles quadrilogy is The Ark. It's daft fun... There, that's all there really is to say about it... Well, other than the fact that there's a goddamn elephant on set. TAKE THEM AWAY TO THE SECURITY KITCHEN. 6/10

Innes Lloyd assumes the position of showruiner for The Celestial Toymaker and... Ho boy does he make a truly awful first impression. Granted, some of the blame can be shouldered by writer Brian Hayles for making the script a load of arse, but even the production side of this thing is terrible. So, we're in a whimsical world powered by the will of a villain with boundless imagination, and the best he can come up with are some generic-looking rooms filled with such "riveting" activities as a child's obstacle course, putting dolls on chairs, looking for a key in a kitchen, a ballerina dance floor, and hopscotch. And it draaaaaaaaaaaaags. Hartnell is barely even here to liven up the story with his chuckles and line-fluffing, as the Doctor is made invisible and inaudible for about 110% of the runtime. And Dodo... Holy crap, she gets fooled by the most obvious fucking distractions here... Mischievous clowns? Has a friendly chat with them! Scoffy human playing cards who drop the N bomb? Has a friendly chat with them! Arguing married couple? Has a friendly chat with them! Tubby schoolboy manchild who clearly has "villain" written all over him? Has a friendly chat with him! I completely sympathise with Steven throughout the duration, and I wish he had just left her to die when she sat down in the murder chair in episode 2. Thank fuck this story mostly no longer exists though, and let's pray to Moffat himself that he uses his erase powers to purge any possible surviving copies from existence. 2/10

The Gunfighters is okay, just not remarkable. With the exception of maybe The Smugglers, it's easily the weakest pure historical. It drags a fair bit, the American accents are... Oh dear god... and Dodo obvs knocks it down a couple points. Like, some people will say she's awesome in this story because she points a gun at Doc Holiday and demands to be taken back to her friends, but they seem to conveniently forget that she gives him back the very gun she's threatening him with in the same scene. Anyway, aside from that, this story is fine. The idea of telling the story through the framing device of a song is interesting, and Hartnell does look dapper in that cowboy hat, as does Steven in his cowboy getup. The sets are nice, and the supporting characters are at least all there as far as the writing is concerned. Yeah, it's passable. 6/10

The Savages is fucking underrated; like, it truly is great. I know I said that The Massacre was the last "great" Hartnell story, but while The Savages does feature the First Doctor it doesn't really feel like a Hartnell story. Like, you honestly could've given this to Two, Jamie and Zoe and there probably wouldn't have been any difference at all... Well, maybe it would've been even GOATIER. Dodo fortunately isn't all that bad here, and Steven gets a pretty fitting departure at the end. Also some other guy gets the Doctor's essence and talks like him for a bit, that's a laugh. 8/10

The War Machines ends the series, it's also fucking great and also doesn't feel like a Hartnell story - imagine this with Pertwee and you'll see what I mean. WOTAN is pretty creepily voiced (not exactly Sutekh or anything, but still chilling) and the War Machines themselves look dank, even if their weaponry looks kind of simplistic and crap. Hartnell himself doesn't really do an awful lot though, other than stare menacingly at an approaching War Machine and looking comfy. Dodo leaves halfway through the story (yay!) and we get the infinitely more likeable, albeit a little bland, Ben and Polly. A nice end to the season. 8/10

So, despite the stories not being as strong or as consistent as those previously, Season 3 is still decent watching... Well, "listening" for the most part... Le sigh... 7/10

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