Jon Pertwee

Jon "SPLINK Lord" Pertwee
Jon creating a device to enforce the Green Cross Code.
Jon creating a device to enforce the Green Cross Code.
Actor information
Main role Third Doctor
Other roles Worzel Gummidge
Born 7 July 1919
Status Keeper of the SPLINK... and Dead (20 May 1996)
The Pertwurst.
Pertwurst reminding kids to SPLINK.
Never forget.
Sugar Smacks.jpg

Keeper of the SPLINK order, Jon "but if nobody watches, Dr. Who will kill himself" Pertwurst was sent to Earth by the SPLINK Gods to be the Earthly guardian of SPLINK. He disguised himself as an actor, playing the Worst Doctor in the British television show Doctor Who. For reasons beyond our control and in respect of his fallen foes, when referred to in full name he shall have the word "Motherfuckin'" inserted.

The powerful legacy of SPLINK inspired Jon's son, Sean Pertwee, to create the order of SPLONK.


Jon Motherfuckin' Pertwee was a secret super spy/british actor/Earth guardian. In his spare time he killed people dead like you wouldn't believe. If history is to believed, most or all of his, Hartnell's and Paul McGann's era are direct retellings of his life experiences.

Jon lived on a diet consisting of giants, young women's innocence and sugar smacks cereal. During his time on Doctor Who, he secretly trained every Doctor after him to SPLINK. He even recorded a secret SPLINK instructional video of him dressed as a scarecrow called Wurzel Splinkidge. Somehow that got big too.

Fun fact:

In his private life he flipped over 586 aliens, 750 women, 7 gorillas and 482 generic henchmen with bare hands. He killed so many people that out of fear, the queen almost declared every Wednesday changed to Pertwednesday. Jon hated the idea so much that he went into the Queen's dreams, bitch slapped her until she was knocked out, then went into that dream where it was an old dog and took it out back and shot it.

Towards the end of his life he rejoined Doctor Who, recording the first audio adventures that didn't suck. McCoy fans, jaded and angry that their Doctor sucked ruled hard enough to get the show cancelled, took to the internet and complained that his serials were too long while praising Troughton's and infecting him with Grandpa Killer X. In one last act of badassery Jon single handedly brought Doctor Who back to kill McCoy and end his run as the current Doctor. He then became a Grey-er, fatter Tom Baker who came back in The Day of the Doctor.


Jon Pertwurst spearheaded a SPLINK television advertising campaign in the 70's but did not reveal his identity as the SPLINK Keeper. He has also been teaching the basics of SPLINK to Danny Splink and other squashed pedestrians in the afterlife.


Other aliases include, but are not limited to, SPLINKY, SPLINKtator, SPLINK Master, Opera Cape and 007.


During his time on Earth, Pertwang is alleged to have bedded over 3/4ths of the entire female population of the UK. Conservative guesses would place that nearly half of the nation is in someway related to Pertweenie. His dick was enormously fat.