|"Hey there kids! Who wants some cocaine and bad touches?"|
|Born||12 August 1947
|Era||1980 - 1990|
Check out this helpful guide to Everything JNT did (and is still doing...?) Wrong.
JNT’s tenure on the show was surprised and delighted to be marked by several strokes what can only be described as outright bad luck, misfortunes and adversities, as if fate simply couldn’t help but shit on his production and then rape it again while taking another turn for the much worse. It’s worth emphasizing that every one of these tragic events were completely beyond his control despite what some “fans” might tell you, only the small-minded could or would blame them on Mr. Nathan-Burner’s handling of the programme. A partial list of these ill-fated disasters:
- November 1979 - In the worse turn of luck the programme has ever experienced, JNT is cast as the next showruiner.
- 24 October, 1980 - Tom Bakery falls victim to having to work with Adric (Matthew Waterlouse) and has to quit the show on doctor’s orders (ha ha) one full day before the new character’s first episode is even broadcast.
- 25 October 1980 - The first Adric episode is ruinously broadcast.
- November 1980 - David Peterson is jinxed by replacing Tom Baker.
- 31 January 1981 - Companion Nyssa is unfortunately added to the programme.
- 28 February 1981 - In another mishap less than a month afterwards, companion Tegan is added to the programme as well - what horrific luck!!
- 1981 through 1989 - Anthony Ainley’s unsuccessful acting career continues to nosedive following his mischance to accept a role on Doctor Who, forcing his return to the Doctor Who studio to ask after more work, which they offer. Additionally, the BBC shamefully agrees to let JNT produce K-9 & Company, which distracts JNT from solving any of the problems cropping up from fucking nowhere on Doctor Who.
- 1982 - Erin Saward is hired as script editor for Doctor Useless by mistake.
- 15 March 1983 - Companion Kamelion is added to the programme then pretty much forgotten about when his software designer, Mike Power, is alas killed in a freak boating accident not long after (100% true by the way). Power hadn’t written out any software documentation for Kamelion, which left the prop nearly impossible for anyone else to operate.
- 1983 - Colin Banker is inauspiciously cast to replace Peterson as the Doctor, after JNT has the bad luck of meeting him by sheer chance at a party.
- 1984 - BBC One is officially ruined forever when Michael Grade joins BBC Television as “Cunt-troller” of BBC One. His continued existence and distaste for Doctor Who (but not Jimmy Saville apparently) creates more conflict and bad fortune for the poor programme.
- 1984 - Another hardship strikes Doctor Whut as Pip and Jane Baker begin submitting scripts.
- 27 February 1984 - The luckless Doctor Whoosh programme is put on 18-month long hiatus by Grade who wishes to cancel it outright; somehow that doesn’t come to pass (yet).
- November 1986 - The companion Mel added to the doomed programme.
- September 1986 - The star-crossed Season 23 is nothing but the Trial of A Timelord story arc; script writer Robert Holmes picks a bad time to die without completing the final episode. Script editor Eric Saward is tasked with writing the seemingly-cursed episode by himself, but JNT rejects his script so the cunt Saward angrily resigned. Pip and Jane Baker are foolishly asked write the final script.
- January 1987 - Terrible calamity strikes again as Baker (not Tom Baker, Pip Baker nor Jane Baker but Colin Baker) falls, hits his head and has to be replaced. JNT had the misfortune of having seen Sylvester McCoy in a panto production of The Pied Piper and casts him as the new Doctor.
- 1987 - Landrew Cartmel hired as script editor for Doctor Whoop and even his master plan fails to catch fire. Production of the programme set London on edge with a special effects blast which lead to the infamous “Doctor Who Riots” of 1987.
- 15 February 1988 - An inopportune audience survey finds that the new Doctor and his companion, Mel, were not popular with viewers - fewer than half were interested in seeing further seasons of the series (also 100% true).
- 23 November 1989 - The final episode of the classic run of Doctor Whoops is put out of its misery and the long-suffering show is cancelled for being furry lesbian porn. In a twist of the knife the programme doesn’t even realize this for close to a year before the offices are officially shut down.
- 26-27 November 1993 - Dimensions in Time is broadcast; co-written by JNT, it’s his only credited writing for television. JNT tempted fate later by saying that he himself regarded it as outside the continuity of the series, "it was never intended to be a part of the Doctor Who mythos, whatever that means" and that he "couldn't care less" whether it was included alongside other episodes in lists of Doctor Who serials, knowing full well that it would be. OK, maybe we can blame him for this cockup. By this point, even fans of the show weren’t missing it.
- 1 May 2002 - In the worst luck of his life, JNT officially dies forever while not even being showruiner for Doctor Who at the time. Of all the bloody luck, eh wot?! He’s not recast for a few years but numerous comics and audio stories about his adventures in time and space are still being produced.
- 2005 - The showruiner is finally recast, the part going to another gay man who also goes by three initials, RTD. Despite his best efforts, Doctor Who is seriously hobbled by returning to the airwaves, just another deuced twist of fate that the show is still struggling to survive.
The Absolute Madman: aka. A few words on JNT
Speaking as someone who was personally raped by JNT at a convention, I believe I have some light to shed on the matter. Well to be honest he didn't actually rape me. But I know he wanted to. Oh wait. You know what? He wasn't actually at that convention. I think maybe that might have been in a dream. Oh hang on. I've just remembered. Come to think of it I've never even met JNT.
As much as we all enjoy a good meme, this is more or less what most of the JNT fan-rape accusations boiled down to. Truth of the matter is, JNT was a massive arse bandit and furious sausage jockey who undeniably lusted after /fit/ young men and pounded sam hill out of them whenever (and wherever) the opportunity arose. And he certainly didn't mind smashing more than a few Doctor Who fans. But by all accounts it was all boringly above-board and between "consenting adults".
Weeeeeell, close enough anyway. But as for his homosexual house-husband Gary "The Raper" Downie, well that's another story entirely.
What IS known is that JNT and Downie used to refer to fuckable fans as "Do-able Barkers." So if you were male, do-able, and a barker (whatever that means) you could probably expect a drunken invitation back to JNT's hotel room where Gary Downie would presumably annihilate your precious rectal virginity while JNT sat on a bed masturbating and answering fanmail.